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Amazingly, it turns out I'm not the only one in this city who didn't grow up on skates. There are classes for people like me, so I signed up for one called Adult Power Skating and Hockey Skills. I've had four sessions so far, and although I got off to a rough start ("okay, for this drill we're going to do backwards crossovers while stickhandling") I'm having a blast with it now. 

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